I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
