god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Randomize
