Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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