youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
