I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
