If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize