My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
