You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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