just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
