I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I am in a vortex of obligation.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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