respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
it's like heaven, but drunker
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize