Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
