We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize