Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
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