There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
