Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
