Im at strip club and am horny
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
