I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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