so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
