It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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