she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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