Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
