My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
God, I missed his penis.
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