my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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