can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
