Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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