I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize