I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So much Jack, so little girl.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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