i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
