toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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