The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
