Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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