We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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