Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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