we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
