I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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