I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
