I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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