I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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