My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
