I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
