Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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