WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
