fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
