i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She needs sedatives and a leash
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize