New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I deserve this hangover.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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