My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
