I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
