May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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