God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
