i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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