My sheets look like a crime scene.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
