even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
