He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
