what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
