Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I think my moral compass just broke
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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