you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize