I faked an abortion last night.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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